March 15, 2020
Struggling with the “Am I old or have been hacked” situation, wasn’t the only thing that kept me from posting these days; I’ve been also busy whining with the company of Netflix and French Fries, because I got knocked out by a moron’s absurd attempt to screw me; and I didn’t know how to get up.
Over the course of two weeks I tried to let go that grudge, by writing about it and reviewing the draft as if it would become one of the most important pieces of my “43 Reasons Why” puzzle… And now it seems so shallow… Because I have two cats with a thirst for killing feathered creatures and I need a chicken.
I am not going to lie to you; actually, my little upper jelly doesn’t understand the craft of lying (its causes and how-tos) and I want you to know me; to trust the person you’re reading; so I’m gonna say it plain and simple; when I woke up yesterday morning, the very first thought – reasoning – was: “coronavirus; ADHD; apocalyptic scenario; may be hard to find proteins; has big patio; PLANT EGGS.”
And, I won’t brag either; I believe it took me 88 milliseconds to realize that there’s no time – nor reasonable reason – to develop a technology that would allow us to grow something that could also grow a life (let us not forget that eggs are aborted ducklings) and that I should – as soon as possible – buy a chicken.
It’s probably also pertinent to add that between “plant eggs” and the “88 milliseconds”, I asked myself “Why can’t we plant eggs?”; and that I feel very proud of that fact that I reached at once to the conclusion that, not only it was a stupid question but also (once again, in this silly little life), asking “why” some things happen it’s a waste of time. Tic… tac.
I snapped out of it; got up; fed the cats; made myself a coffee and started to edit a video for the NKOTB’s blog; Joey McIntyre had streamed live his chat with two fans and I thought, “Yay; a little bit of fun to start the day.” However, one of them – from New York – said she went to Target and couldn’t find toilette paper; which is like saying Trump has ran out of ways to insult women. And I lost it.
For dark times like these, I’ve been getting ready my whole life; meaning: “I’ve daydreamed about the end of the world since I can recall.” That’s it; yes; I’m not crazy; I didn’t hoard food nor bought masks or anything that would save my life. So, I went to the supermarket and it was insane; I had to wait in my car for twenty minutes to enter the parking lot because it was packed; just to give you an idea.
Later I talked to the Wicked Witch of Santa Fe – who I call ‘mom’ when I feel really, really, lonely – and she said, “We still don’t know what’s going to happen;” and I said, “We do! DO THE MATHS!” And she replied, “This is going to bring you down; try looking at the bright side;” and I lost it, again.
But quietly; I lost it quietly; it was a meltdown on a leash; I said, “Listen, throughout my life, I never asked why; shit rained over me non-stop and I never complained saying ‘why me; why did they; why this;’ I took it all, I tried to learn from it and I kept going looking at the bright the side; the teachings. But this? Fuck the bright side of this. Tell me, what’s the bright side of this?”
She didn’t know what to answer, because as it happens to me with lies it happens to her and reflections; trying to reflect – to be reasonable; to be opened to another opinion; to put her brain in motion – causes her allergies and convulsions; so she avoids reflecting… and I avoid her… until I feel really, really, lonely.
Allow me for a moment to be selfish and tell you why I don’t want to seek for the bright of this: I was doing better; I was doing great; after almost a decade of living in some sort of a coma, the beginning of March was for me the beginning of a new era.
First – a couple of weeks before, actually – I had removed from my cellphone all the social media apps and it made a huge impact in my progress; since then, I don’t receive a slap from Twitter when I haven’t even opened my eyes completely. I removed a big amount of anxiety and distraction from my life, and I was so happy; it was very liberating.
Second; I took a three-hour test to prove my level of English, so I could sign up for the first (out of three) courses to get certified – by Oxford University – in the use of English for those who aren’t English native speakers. To do so, I had to explain the teachers my ADHD and asked them if I could take breaks; which made me feel a little bit ashamed I must confess; but they were beyond understanding. The experience was painful; it hurt my brain; honestly; but at least I got an 84%, I started the classes and I did not miss not even one.
Third; one the same week I began the course, I went back to figure skate training; now I had my brain and my bottoms in pain, but I didn’t miss one single day of training either.
So, excuse me if I don’t want to seek the bright side of what coronavirus is doing to our daily life; I had already found my bright side and it took me what it seems forever to do so; I was already grateful for everything one should be grateful for. I spent four decades in this planet looking at the bright side of everything… Do humans need a pandemic to do that?!
All I can see now – and I told my parents about this weeks ago – is that countries should have closed their borders in response to the first “local” infection in Italy; they should have done it at least for a week, and we wouldn’t be doing it now for a month or for God knows how long; and no more people would have died… and no more people would be suffering the loss of their loved ones.
After doing the groceries for the survival of my household – food for my cats; mayonnaise, cigarretes and yerba mate for me – and after getting nothing out of the conversation with the Wicked Witch of Santa Fe, I began writing about this trying to shake it off; because I was feeling really, really, lonely. But then I thought, “What’s the point? Your perfectionism won’t allow you to post it; you can’t have a daily blog.”
Therefore, I … scattered my existence over the couch to watch Sherlock Holmes on Netflix; I’ve been doing this for the past weeks to get use to British accent, because that’s how they speak at the academy and I am… not quite comfortable with it. And then I heard him saying,
“Fear is wisdom in the face of danger; it is nothing to be ashamed of.”
I believe I also heard a click on my brain…
So, here I am; posting something I’m not sure people are going to like nor to find entertaining or useful; I’m here posting knowing my grammar is not perfect and that is ok, because I’ve learned this language on my own and now I am studying it to improve it; to become “a writer, in English;” I’m here because I need to share my oh-so-important feelings and there could be no time to let fear paralyze me; there isn’t, in fact.
… Is that a bright side?
Oh well… I still need that chicken.