February 5, 2020
After having started taking Ritalin (methylphenidate), it took me two months to begin learning how to do it, to understand that this isn’t just medication for my ADHD: it’s a psychotropic and, as such, it can manipulate our mind, our emotions, our behavior…, in unexpected ways. It’s a freaking racoon in my kitchen.
I went from “This is awesome!! Finally, I see!,” to blurred vision, palpitations, numbed upper lip, a reloaded hyperfocus and a Chucky status (that is, creepily staring at the screen for forty minutes, just staring, and staring…)
“I’m gonna died from a heart attack,” crossed my mind more than once, but, it turns out that one can increase the dose of anxiolytics to “balance” the situation. This is insane.
Why don’t I try something else if it’s so hard? Because I’m in Argentina, and here it’s the only choice.
So, when, how much, and which are the factors that influence my “how-to”? Let’s get this party started.
What the Doctor Said
Initially, I was instructed to take one capsule (of 10mg) twenty to thirty minutes before sitting down to work…., which is not what the prospect says…, but the prospect also says ADHD occurs on “children and adolescents” (not adults) and that one should not take it if one “suffers from anxiety”. I’m still laughing.
My doctor also said, “go to the gym, extend the fast, no more carbs, proteins only.” And that was it; I was thrown into the lion’s den.
The truth is, he is learning about this with me; I’m living in what’s supposed to be the second biggest city of the country and still, in my neighborhood, I find my meds at two pharmacies only. What’s (not) happening with ADHD in this country… No, I won’t procrastinate today.
What I Say
These are the questions I ask myself, before taking one, or another capsule.
Do I Really Need It “Now”?
The first mistake I made, was to rely on Ritalin for every single session of writing; since the effect wares off after two hours, I kept adding capsules (with my doctor’s agreement) until taking four per day. A month later, I was burned out.
I hadn’t been able to work properly for years; so, to go from nothing to eight hours per day, well… you can imagine what it did to my brain. The side effects became unbearable, and I stopped.
However, I didn’t go “from nothing” per se; before starting taking the Ritalin, I was able to write for two (lousy) sessions of 45 minutes. One night it hit me: Why don’t I start over that way? And so I did. Now I begin to work with nothing but coffee and mate, and then when birds begin to call me and if I feel good, I take the first capsule.
Do I Feel Good?
The hyperfocus under Ritalin’s effect, lead me to believe the medication was giving me a boost; huge mistake. The methylphenidate improves our execution; it doesn’t give us more energy.
Taking Ritalin when I’m tired or when I just don’t feel like writing, can give me: blurred vision, that awkward headache that feels like a hat compressing the whole head (what’s up with that?!), and palpitations; or, an hyperfocus devoted to arranging my color pencils from lighter to darker.
Is Everything “Around Me” Ok?
On a really hot day (even with the AC on), or if there is something in my head I can’t shake off (such us doing the dishes, cleaning the cats litter, whatever), trying to fight it so I could write could make my mind explode. Side effects; again.
So, before I sit down, I remove from my thoughts anything and everything.
Do I Have Everything I Need?
A quick trip to the kitchen to get more water, can turn on read lights EVERYWHERE; “do the groceries, cook now, open the curtains…” and, hummingbirds! The anxiety to get back in the zone, is another side effect trigger.
Therefore, I’ve set up my writing room (in a room without windows) as if it were an office “somewhere else”; I have here: the Ritalin! (I used to keep it in the kitchen), water, my bottle, my cigarettes, the electric tea kettle for my mate, a cloth if I spill something… yes, even that.
I only allow myself to go the bathroom next door, and to take a walk during my breaks. This-is-war.
What Am I About to Do?
The first two posts I wrote with Ritalin, when I resumed this blog, were an effortless and heavenly experience; the third one, not so much. I realized that I cannot “create (even think, reason?)” under the effect of the methylphenidate; I can only, “execute.”
Therefore, before taking my capsule, I make a list of what I’m about to do, and how I do this, is game changing:
a) for my tasks, I make a list on the Reminders App (for MacOS) which I keep opened; I do not continue to next item until checking “done.” If I don’t plan my tasks before taking the capsule: anxiety would trigger the side effects, or… Chucky status.
b) for what I’m about to write, I use the Notes App; I create a note for the piece I’m working on, and I map it up (headings, subheadings, keywords, wild thoughts!) If I do this on my file, I could feel anxious to get to next subheading and: “writing is hard and I suck!” (plus side effects, Chucky status, colossal meltdown)
How I Remember to Say What I Say
How sad and funny it is at the same time…
I used to have a reminder of all these questions in a piece of paper, until I got cocky and thought, “I know how to work with Ritalin now! I own this shit!”
One day I was feeling that way, oh-so-confident, and I took a second capsule in the morning when I was already exhausted; then, one of my cats meowed…
Remember to remember.
This is insane.