Neurodivergent Mind Exposed. Read and Burn

What happens when an ADHD brain wakes up at two in the morning, during the process of changing medication for ADHD and adjusting the daily routine.

By Laly Steel

June 18, 2020

I woke up at 2am to the sound of a platoon of crickets chirping; “annoying,” I know… But in ADHD brains like mine, it feels as if they were piercing your ears driving you to the edge of your sanity. I yelled “fuck;” my furry baby Cocó looked at me and meowed, “I killed one, mama.” 

I got up, closed my eyes and followed the chirp of the closest cricket… that was stuck in the air conditioner of the guest room; I thought about turn it on hoping the fans or whatever would torn him apart, but “wouldn’t that be inhuman, cruel?” Three seconds later I discovered I have no humanity at two in the morning. I searched for duct tape, the thick one, and I tapped the whole thing, and he chirped “I’m ok! I’m still here!”

I closed the door hoping not to hear him so loudly, and as I was entering my bedroom I almost had a heart attack when I suddenly bumped into another one – of the size of a dinosaur – on my curtains; I told him “Stay right there!” He didn’t blink. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a container; went back to my bedroom and caught him. 

We had a little talk in my living room and I released him on my front porch. I closed the door, and he started chirping “Why did you bring me here? My pals are in the backyard!” I thought, “I spared your life, you ungrateful bastard!” to the heck with him; my bedroom faces the backyard.

…. And they all…kept… chirping.

I stayed in the living room for a few seconds and said “Seriously guys? I’m switching to Concerta and I need to sleep at least until 4am to try a new routine that won’t make the methylphenidate numb my mouth for HOURS.” The doctor said “you’ll get used to it;” fuck no, I won’t! That’s why this is the third drug I try! And what kind of life is this? 

My issue is that my hyperactive brain sucks the 20mgs of Ritalin LA in four hours and then I fall into a comma; I tried taking 30mg once… and my cats called a priest to perform an exorcism on me. So, what I need is a long steady effect… which Concerta could give me, but it didn’t quite yet; yesterday I began adding a second capsule (at the time I fall into a coma) and as it started to take effect on my dopamine, I started to pursue a claim for the rights of Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” 

… I never had a kite… Why did I never have a kite? My so-called parents bought me every single piece of shit I “needed, for real this time,” but they never got me a kite… Have I never asked for a kite? I held one once!… I remember that… It pulled me so strongly that I thought it would take me with it, and that scared me… Maybe that’s why I never asked for a kite… I don’t like to be taken roughly against my will.

Suddenly a third one jumped in front of me; I CRUSHED him; then I apologized, without any guilt though… No humanity at two in the morning was twice proven. Walking through the hallway to flush the corps, Cocó showed me his contribution: the second corps (and fourth cricket) He asked for food; I gave him food; then he threw it up over my bed while I was searching for the freaking fifth cricket.

And it was so hot… We are feeling the winter already here in Argentina, but for a couple of days we’ve been having 78 degrees; last week? FOUR. “Why do crickets chirp more when it’s hot … and what if I disassemble the air conditioner? I won’t use that one for while… Do I have the tools? I’ll google that.” 

I googled about the crickets; as it turns out, they get hotter when it’s hot; they want to get laid and they call the females by chirping and piercing my ears driving me to the edge of my sanity. The AC? Too messy… I really needed to get some sleep.

I cleaned my bedcover; and as I was washing my hands I felt a pain in belly, “Ouch; I ate too many sweets last night. Why do we ADHDers crave for sweets? What else craves….? Bees! Bees crave for sweets too AND they have the task of keeping this planet alive. It’s all good. We are awesome.”

I laid on my bed and… “The ceiling looks nasty… When was the last time I cleaned it?” I got up to search for something I could clean it with, and kept going until the stationary bike (it’s like in the City; sometimes they closed a station so you gotta go all the way downtown, to take the D back to 42nd street)

It was 4am already so I worked out; took my capsule and then a bath. “No numbed lips! Coffee? Yeah, coffee. Lips? All clear. Let’s do some writing!”

But they wouldn’t shut up… And all I couldn’t think of was: CRICKETS; so I spent some quality time enlightening myself on the habits of: crickets.

What was I planning on posting today…? Oh yeah; something inspiring for neurodivergents, because I’ve been thinking a lot in the trick of closing chapters to keep going and “finishing” things. The quarantine isn’t over yet and people will keep dying due to the COVID-19, but our worries and discourse have switched to “Black Lives Matters”… I never forgot about it…

Don’t ramble! Yes. I was planning on publishing a copy about opening and closing chapters in our lives, which is some sort of a placebo strategy I’ve been doing throughout my life to cope with the traumas I went through. Last week I hit a milestone, and I thought “let’s start a new chapter.”

But I don’t feel like publishing that today… And I can’t think with all that chirping!

Do it, do it, do it! “Something inspiring for neurodivergents.” Done! We are like bees; we are flying around craving for sweets and spreading the fruit of our special nature without anybody really noticing it… The world need us, even though they are not aware of it yet.

And publish this shit… Stop trying to come up with the perfect genius post; the way life works, this is probably how it will start… This is probably that first work that will be mentioned when I receive the Nobel Prize on Literature for my contribution to the understanding of neurodiversity. “The Wife!” what a great movie… I should write about it. I’ll write it on a post-it and I’ll work on that “Chapters” copy; now.

A post it, over a monitor with news about dark matter, reads "get new keyboard, piano lessons"
© laly.blog

Burn.

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One reply on “Neurodivergent Mind Exposed. Read and Burn”

I think telling our stories does not demand us to be geniuses. The Life is magically defying us everywhere, everytime. We should be ready to endure all the routine and smile at last. If we may not to get the peace at all, tons of our lines written will seem childish. At least, it’s this I thought after every story just to tell the World I was still alive. Obvious, it was quite natural, wasn’t?

It’s natural you’re alive for one more day, since you have blogged here last morning. More natural for your readers is to be happy. For you have endured, you’re alive. Remaining alive is almost a miracle, actually something worth to be reported to the outside World, every morning.

So long!

So what do you think?