I spent over two months without posting at Laly’s, developing this new blog. Is this a ‘new thing’ my brain has found, searching for a jolt of dopamine (which will fade away in a month)? I already gave you the answer: Two months.
“Two months” without comments, likes and without having a sense of achievement after finishing and publishing something. How did I get through that without feeling rewarded asap? Why did I bring half of the content of Laly’s to this blog?
Well, it all comes down to the journey towards one magic word…
I Need to Win Something Now
When the quarantine started I tried to blog daily, sharing the surreal scenario outside my door and what I was feeling as neurodivergent: like a cheetah in a cage, basically. But that didn’t turn out as I’ve expected…
On one hand, I couldn’t post daily… which I knew it would happen; why did I embark on something I knew it would lead me only to frustration? On the other hand, the quarantine took a big a toll on me, when one of my traumas got fatter than I had: the issue with my identity; during my yearly dark days (May/June) I couldn’t stop ruminating about not being able to go to a judge to change my legal name and claim my own identity.
So, I reflected a lot… “How can I move on now? If I can’t win this, what else can I win? I need to win something, now.”
If you felt oddly out of breath during those days, it was my fault; I took so many breaths – reflecting and controlling my impulsivity – that I’m afraid I may have suck all the oxygen of the planet. So, I’m very sorry about that; but it was mandatory, and it paid off … for both of us (hopefully)
On My Way
As I was reflecting, two things happened; first, I was getting tired of saying “I have ADHD” because it’s followed by such an explanation, on neuroscience, that people either don’t get a word or end up replying “so, you cure it with your medication?” Thus, on June 3 I registered “neurodivergent.blog” so I could eventually advocate louder for ADHD; I was very committed with that humble start at Laly’s.
Then the “No birthday on June 6 for you!” happened, and the “Boohoo, nobody knows which my birthdate is.” … But this year I felt different; I wanted to celebrate my life because I was doing so well! I have achieved so much! So, I clung to those good feelings; I celebrated it and I shared it at “Happy Lifeday.” However, just like that, I started ruminating again and to graphic that mood swing I published “Act 2: Voices in the basement”.
So I started thinking, “I really need to stop this vicious cycle; I need more tools for this brain!” On June 15 I sent an email to an Academy to start training to become an ADHD coach; a gentle lady replied to me the next day and it took me ten days to answer back to her; yeah…, hashtag oops.
And then, two more things happened…
Opening My Eyes Wider
First, I came across a discussion at Twitter land on how we should call ourselves; “People with ADHD; ADHDers; ‘Brains;’” and that really opened my eyes because I didn’t know there were so many people struggling with it, feeling that way.
Then, two days later I woke at 2am to the sound of crickets piercing my ears and what happened in my mind was so chaotic that I wrote about it at “Neurodivergent Mind Exposed”, which was huge for me because I had opened up myself (big time) and surrendered the necessity of writing something perfect or “genius;” and I was very proud…
But, I received a comment saying “I think telling our stories does not demand us to be geniuses;” and I thought, “That is exactly why I published this! Dude!” …
I felt so misunderstood… I couldn’t reply and I started thinking “How do I explain, quick and simple, how much I appreciate the comment and what is happening in my brain? Days are passing by… He’ll think I don’t care.”
Engaging with other neurodivergents and realizing that Laly’s didn’t seem to be the best place to advocate for ADHD, lead me to realize I had to start “Neurodivergent” now:
- a place where I’ll be able to share my feelings and findings with people who understand – or want to understand- the struggles of living with ADHD and PTSD;
- a place where I’ll be able to write without having to explain – on every comment – what’s written in and between the lines.
And then another thing hit me: a big one. Before having a name, I had a nature; I wasn’t born with a name, I was born with a brain with a unique wiring; “neurodivergent” is what I am on the first place; this is something regarding my identity that I can win now.
Hence, and without a doubt, I changed all the usernames on my social networks to “1neurodivergent” and started developing this blog you’re reading today.
Purpose Is All We Need
As neurodivergents – specially with ADHD – intention, purpose is the main thing we must have to do anything; it’s our magic word; and, I always had plenty. Throughout my life I kept bouncing back from the traumas and tough experiences thinking they were stories I needed to collect for the greatest inspiring book or movie ever written…
Eventually I realized I could do it with a blog and I started doing it at Laly’s; but at that time, it was the story of a resilient person… I never imagined it was the one of a neurodivergent succeeding just by listening to her guts.
Seriously, being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult blew my mind; above all, because all the strategies I was supposed to start learning, I had learned them already! Just by listening to myself, to my guts telling me what my purpose was and how to get it.
So, two months off-line without reward? “Piece of cake.” When our purpose is clear, putting ourselves in motion to achieve it is a reward on itself.
Doctors and coaches will tell us they can give us strategies, and I’ll even share mine at this blog; but I beg you to start taking into account that you can start searching for them within you.
I dare to say this because I know for a fact that if you truly listen to yourself, if you remove the noise that the bad thoughts are creating in your mind, you’ll be able to hear a clear voice; perhaps a whisper …; one that will be saying:
Oof. I’m having a couple of overwhelming days, recognizing the undiagnosed adhd that has affected my life for over 40 years. A few years back I started looking at this and got in to a specialist for diagnosis but got so frustrated because they were looking at the typical hyper young boy type of adhd and I dont exhibit those qualities at all. I’m a dreamy femme with big dreams, a very active imagination, and compromised executive function that leads to overwhelming anxiety and “being too hard on myself” for struggling with all the pieces. My brain constantly feels messy. Except when I’m really interested in something and hyperfocusing, in which case I can produce really great work. Omg. I’m just seeing this pattern everywhere with women who live with adhd right now. It’s both amazing and overwhelming. I see how I’ve masked and the stress that has caused… anyways. Sorry for the overshare (!) I just had a million a-ha moments reading your blog. Thank you for this work!